Natassia M. Kelly, Ex-Christian, USA (part 1 of 2)

I was raised to believe in God from childhood.  I attended church nearly every Sunday, went to Bible school, and sang in the choir.  Yet religion was never a really big part of my life.

There were times when I thought myself close to God.  I often prayed to Him for guidance and strength in times of despair or for a wish in times of want.  But I soon realized that this feeling of closeness soon evaporated when I was no longer begging God for something.  I realized that even though I believed, I lacked faith.

I perceived the world to be a game in which God indulged in from time to time.  He inspired people to write a Bible and somehow people were able to find faith within this Bible.

As I grew older and became more aware of the world, I believed more in God.  I believed that there had to be a God to bring some order to the chaotic world.  If there were no God, I believed the world would have ended in utter anarchy thousands of years ago.  It was comfort to me to believe there was a supernatural force guiding and protecting man.

Children usually assume their religion from parents.  I was no different.  At the age of 12, I began to give in depth thinking to my spirituality.  I realized there was a void in my life where a faith should be.  Whenever I was in need or despair, I simply prayed to someone called Lord.  But who was this Lord truly?  I once asked my mother who to pray to, Jesus or God.  Believing my mother to be right, I prayed to Jesus and to him I attributed all good things.

I have heard that religion cannot be argued.  My friends and I tried to do this many times.  I often had debates with my friends about Protestantism, Catholicism, and Judaism.  Through these debates I searched within myself more and more and decided I should do something about my emptiness.  And so at the age of 13, I began my search for truth.

Humankind is always in constant pursuit of knowledge or the truth.  My search for truth could not be deemed as an active pursuit of knowledge.  I continued having the debates, and I read the Bible more, but it did not really extend from this.  During this period of time, my mother took notice of my behavior, and from then on I have been in a “religious phase.”  My behavior was far from a phase.  I simply shared my newly gained knowledge with my family.  I learned about the beliefs, practices, and doctrines within Christianity and minimal beliefs and practices within Judaism.

A few months within my search, I realized that if I believe in Christianity I believed myself to be condemned to Hell.  Not even considering the sins of my past, I was on a “one way road to Hell” as southern ministers tend to say.  I could not believe all the teachings within Christianity.  However, I did try.

I can remember many times being in church and fighting with myself during the Call to Discipleship.  I was told that by simply confessing Jesus to be my Lord and Savior, I would be guaranteed eternal life in Heaven.  I never did walk down the aisle to the pastor’s outstretched hands, and my reluctance even increased my fears of heading for Hell.  During this time I was at unease.  I often had alarming nightmares, and I felt very alone in the world.

But not only did I lack belief but I had many questions that I posed to every knowledgeable Christian I could find and never really did receive a satisfactory answer.  I was simply told things that confused me even more.  I was told that I am trying to put logic to God and if I had faith I could simply believe and go to Heaven.  Well, that was the problem: I did not have faith.  I did not believe.

I did not really believe in anything.  I did believe there was a God and that Jesus was his son sent to save humankind.  That was it.  My questions and reasoning did, however, exceed my beliefs.

The questions went on and on.  My perplexity increased.  My uncertainty increased.  For fifteen years I had blindly followed a faith simply because it was the faith of my parents.ش